Hear Me Out

Julian Treasure is an expert on sound and communication. He has two very popular TED talks: one on speaking, “How to Speak So That People Want to Listen,” and the other is “Five Ways to Listen Better.” Guess which one has more views? The speaking video has over 57 million views, and the listening video has 11 million views. Humans tend to be more interested in being heard than listening to others. We want people to listen to us, but we don’t like listening to others. We want to give advice, tell stories, and have an audience, but our mind wanders when we listen to others. In other words, we are not all that good at it. And that is a problem when parenting teenagers.

Recently, Gallup released two studies on the relationship between a teenager and his/her parents. In one of the studies, parents were asked how often they worried about various challenges in a teenager’s life. Parents with teenagers are worried the most about 1) their social media use, 2) their experiences on social media, 3) how they express their feelings, 4) their future plans, and 5) their mental health.[1] If you have teenagers, you probably feel the same way. These five challenges are valid. They play a massive role in the lives of almost every teenager in this country. It is common and appropriate for parents to feel this way. Unfortunately, this study also showed that the more parents worried about a particular challenge, the less likely they were to talk to their teenager about it.

In many ways, this does not make sense. If you, as a parent, are worried about something in your child’s life, you would think talking about it would be expected. But that is not what is happening with teenagers. Topics that parents are talking with their teens about (their grades, their physical safety, and physical health) are things that they do not worry about. Why do you think this is? I propose that discussing the challenges that worry parents the most is difficult. Talking about the issues that don’t worry parents is easier. Perhaps parents feel they do not have all the answers to teenagers' challenges, so they avoid those conversations altogether. Like most parents, they want to know they’ll be able to give advice before starting a conversation. We assume that advice is the top thing teenagers want from their parents. What if it were much more simple than that?

The second study that Gallup conducted tells us what teenagers are longing for from their parents. In the study, teenagers answered this question: When you get upset, what do you typically want your parents or caregivers to do? The top results were 1) listen, 2) give you space, 3) take you seriously, 4) reassure you, and 5) provide advice.[2]  Granted, there is a difference between what you want your parents or caregivers to do when you get upset and what you want them to do when having difficult conversations, but it is safe to say the difference is minimal. Parents should read this study and be relieved. The number one thing your teenage children need is someone who will listen to them! Instead of avoiding topics parents worry about, what if we start having those conversations knowing that teens mainly need someone to listen to them?

It sounds simple, but don’t forget that we started the article with the statement that we are more interested in being heard than listening to others. Listening to our children will not be easy, especially when we desperately want to give them our wisdom and advice, but it is what we need to do. Here are some tips to begin today:

When your child speaks, put your phone down.

It is impossible to be an active listener if we are on our phones. More than that, it conveys to our children the message that the phone is more important than they are. If teenagers long for someone to listen to them, we, parents, should gladly put the devices down and give them our attention.

Hear them out before offering any advice.

This is going to be different from what we are used to. Often, we want to advise before we hear the entire story. In conversations with our teenagers, listen to them and perhaps even wait a while before giving your advice.

Encourage and affirm teens for sharing their challenges.

Even teenagers find it difficult to share their struggles with their parents. When they gather the courage to do so, affirm them and encourage them to continue doing so—telling them you love them and will always be there to listen.

James 1:19: 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

[1] (HRYNOWSKI, Parents Avoid Hard -- but Helpful -- Conversations With Gen Z 2024)

[2] (HRYNOWSKI, Gen Zers to Their Parents: When We Are Upset, Just Listen 2024)